Is this worth it?

"Is it worth it?" When you ask yourself that question, you have to compare two options, and decide if the first option is more beneficial to you than the second. We usually do this with objects and money, but in life, more precious things are compared, most often time with family and some other pursuit. Today that question hit me with full force.

I met with a school dean who needs to write a letter that will be one of the first pages that residency programs will read. She read through my CV and my personal statement, and asked about my Step 1 and Step 2 scores. She informed me of my class rank, which was disappointing (1 spot too low for what I needed), and then jotted down about 5-6 things, and asked me, "Is that everything, then?" I nodded, but the thought, "Was that 'everything' she just mentioned worth it?" We finished the interview, and as I did some other paperwork, I continued to think about the question, "Is this, was this, worth it?"

I must explain to make this all make sense: I am applying to plastic surgery residency. It is the most competitive field right now. I have clawed and fought for every point, and though my effort hasn't always been perfect, it has been my best. I gave up vacation time, stayed up to 12am studying for almost a year and a half, and basically sacrificed very, very precious time with my wife and children so as to make it all "enough" (is it ever?) to become an applicant that would get into a plastic surgery residency. On top of this, I committed the grave error of focusing my life on my studies, which are a means to an end (for my family), rather than on my family's well-being. My actions have not reflected my priorities, and the true-to-my-heart loves have received inadequate time, effort, and attention.

I have, in short, been a poor husband and an absentee father for quite some time, and did little about it, hoping that "eventually, it will be worth it," without realizing that whatever "it" was, it could never, EVER equal the price I have foolishly paid. The man I've become, determined by my actions, not my dreams, is not the man I've wanted to be and so need to be. I feel like I've reached the last leg of a journey, and I find myself with empty hands and a nervous heart, realizing the destination was not worth the sacrifices of the trip. As I look around me, especially at my family, I begin to realize all the precious moments I've missed, and lament what my present state is.

So, what is worth it? In short, no, especially not the way I did things. I made mistakes, many of them out of foolishness and not having my sights set on what was really important. Even if it had been "number one in the class, you can go wherever you want for residency," it wouldn't matter. I would give anything to have those moments back. I would give anything to be that man that I so want to be. I would give it all back, the meager amount I've achieved, for what really is worth it: time with, and happiness of my family: It's my humble prayer, and my #1 goal and priority, to live every moment from now on for my wife and family, FIRST. No lifestyle, no career, comes close to this, and is worthless when compared. That is the only way it will be "worth it," and that's the only way I want it to be.